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  • sintaagustin

Carrying gratitude in my attitude

I was guilty of taking things for granted, too busy feeding my ego, wanting to be more, have more. Comparing myself to others, those that were either more successful, more beautiful, more muscular, more recognised, whatever it was, I couldn't help but compare myself. Overall my inner voice wasn't too kind to myself. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and just hating how I looked and felt but did nothing about it, instead I would ignore the reflection, ate my emotions, barely exercised and distracted myself by playing video games. Looking back now, I realise a lot of it was self inflicted, I didn't take the time to appreciate all that I had. I was also in a relationship and somehow we lost our way, perhaps it had ran its course and I was in denial or didn't want to deal with a separation but whatever it was, I wasn't listening to myself. Did you ever go through a time where you didn't listen to yourself? Did you ever realise how difficult it can get when you don't? How stuck you feel? The toll it takes on your mental health? I put my body through hell, the constant stressing, feeling overwhelmed all the time, feeding myself with negative thoughts and speaking negatively. I was falling into a pattern that slowly crept into a habit and it turned for the worst right around February of this year. Towards the end of that month I had gone several days with hardly any sleep, an experience I wish never to reoccur, an experience I do not wish upon anyone.

It's been a little over 6 months since my whole ordeal, I don't exactly know what to call it but so far, that was the lowest point in my life. I don't know what triggered it either, buried heartaches and unresolved notions of trauma, I was never really good at shadow work. Wouldn't say I'm good at it now, still a work in progress. But I guess that's the whole point in life, to constantly progress. To be better than yesterday. Life can change so quickly and it's so easy to take everything you have and everyone you know for granted, I know I've done my share of that. Of course there's so much I'd take back, hit the rewind button and erase it from my hard drive and my cloud. Instead, these mistakes just hit replay all the time to the point where I have to shut myself up, snap myself out of the thoughts and remind myself where and who I am. Today, having a conversation with myself helped a lot. Told myself things I wouldn't normally take from someone I'm close to but maybe it's what I need to hear more often or maybe... I just need to have more of these kind of conversations. I need to own my dark side, I need to own that I've done wrong and that I've hurt people, I've made mistakes and if I could take them all back I would but I can't so it's a constant battle to learn to let go and forgive myself. I found myself crying happy and sad tears on my walk in the forest today but I still made the effort to smile at people.

This is a reminder to myself and maybe to you if you need it... be kind, to yourself and to others, especially the ones you love because you never know what tomorrow can bring. Love and light.

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